I never used to experience the presence of people in my dreams, but lately have been more often. This morning I experienced the presence of my old friend Wigg.
Wigg was a work colleague at the office job I had during all of my Twenties. Like many of us he didnt like it there much, but he persevered and progressed into the IT department and a good salary. Punctual and dedicated at work, Wigg was great fun outside of it, a keen cider drinker and weed smoker, had a massive music collection and was a keen festival goer, introducing me to Reading (I didn’t like it much), Glastonbury (I loved it) and Nick Drake (broke as I was I bought the CD boxed set). He was universally liked, generous and friendly, although it was noticed that he never talked much about himself.
It was a total shock when he killed himself around ten years ago by jumping in front of a train.
It later transpired that he had been planning this for some time, ensuring that his Sister would be ok financially and his affairs were in order, and even travelling to a known suicide spot to minimise the danger of complication. He may have been planning it for months.
In my dream, he was there, organising some drinks with friends, and all I could do was to cry. Although I slept in longer, the memory was still quite vivid when I started to awake properly, and I was able to admit to my partner to feelings of helplessness, uselessnes, impotence and inadequacy.
It wasn’t until shortly my meditation later in the morning that I thought further about it, and quite suddenly experienced the grief and release in waking that I had experienced in my dream.
I let the feelings come and sat with them, a very calm state quite quickly followed, after which my thoughts turned to him again and I missed him. I wish I could have been there for him with the additional experience I have now, perhaps I could have engaged with him better and maybe made a difference. Maybe not. In any case, theres no going back, and my experience of him in life and in death are all part of the person I am now, and I don’t regret one moment one bit.
Back then I probably wasn’t able to properly process all my feelings and the suddenness of his departure may not have helped, but maybe now I’m coming to terms.
Xx
You missing home? maybe this’ll cheer you up
http://chromatouch.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/rich-batsford-namaste/
I had a friend in high school who killed himself and the grief over the years would come out in ways I didn’t expect.